We all daydream. We all have dreams. We all wonder with "what ifs" and "maybes". I love daydreaming, but I find myself living in my head many moments through the day. One thought that has been running through my mind lately, although I don't like to think on "what ifs" because it's never reality, is my dad. Just a slight background history on my life: My dad passed in 2005 when I was 9 years of age.
I honestly don't mind talking about it. I've had people ask about my dad and when I inform them of the reality they always seem upset and cautious in what they say. I'm never offended anymore or believe that it is a touchy subject, simply because it's a fact that no one can ever change. It's reality; it's my life. I always try to tell others about what little bit I do remember about him and try to lighten the mood a bit. One big thing that I try to do if someone has recently had a parent pass, is help that person out. Whether they are older or younger... advice has no age label.
My daydreams recently have been involving him. The three major questions I've been asking myself are:
What would he be like? How would my life be like today? What would I be like? I know I will never get the answers to these questions, and that's alright. I'm totally fine with that. But, yes, I do wonder.
What would be his favorite recent movie? Would he like my favorite genre(s) of music? How would he look at me? Would he agree with my life choices and goals? What advice could and would he have given me? Most people say only what one wishes to hear:
"Oh sweetie, he would be proud of you! He would support every move in your life and stand behind you every step of the way. And he would look at you as his son and would accept whatever you want and who you are."
Well, gee thanks! I could have created up those 'answers'. But how do you know? If my mother's and father's life would have been switched, I could say the same about her, but knowing how she truly is, it would all be one huge lie. She wouldn't like most of my music preferences; she wouldn't completely support me, and she would look at me as an outsider. Although, I would hear what I want, it wouldn't make it true. So, I ask again, how do you know? We don't, but like I said, I'm okay with that.
My life may be different. Instead of being placed in DSS custody, perhaps I would've lived with him. Maybe I wouldn't even have had the chance to even have that option to go into DSS (I probably wouldn't have skipped school). Would he have been stable enough to even take care of us (my brothers and I)?
We always attempt to imagine the most possible outcome. Which is only natural. But, look at it from both perceptions. It's not a crime to do so. It may make you feel like a bad person because you think of it that way, but it's not uncommon. The person I am today may not even exist. His impression may reside within me. His advice may have been taken and put into action. I may be a total wreck due to the realization of having no parents who truly act as parents. Or maybe I may be at my prime.
Wishing only gets you so far - it only keeps you moving. Dreaming is only an escape. But, realization allows you to mold your character. Never assume the best only to get the worst. See your life through both eyes (great and horrible) and that will really show you where you want to be and where to start to get there. That said, I'm not saying it's going to be easy. We all need help and will continue to make mistakes and achieve small goals, as well as big ones.
As long as we remember where we came from, where we are going and who we are, we can stay honest and true to ourselves. Stop every once in awhile and realize life. Your life. What you are thankful for and things within yourself you can and want to change. This is a practice only one can encounter with honesty in their hearts. Only one who truly wants to see, can see.
Always carry yourself with self-love and self-respect!
(P.S. If you don't know who this stunning, talented and gifted woman is. . . please search her name and find out who she is. Her song "Daydream" off her Foreword EP is amazing, and it sort of inspired this post.)
No comments:
Post a Comment